Dear Freya:
Well I don’t know how this is going to come out or sound to you, but it must be done, to start with you don’t need to be sorry for anything. I know that you tried and did your hardest to stand by me, and I don’t blame you for one thing.
It is a fact that I lied to you about things that never happen in my previous life. I did it mostly because I was afraid I’d loose you, not ever thinking that I’d drive you away. You would think I’d done better I know, as smart as I am.
It is a fact that in my closest heart and in this alone time I believe that all of my kids still love me, even Jay and Lisa. I didn’t do right by them, yet they have no problem forgiving me, I’m a very lucky man. I believe that the 3 love me very much and I know if its 1/10 as hard for them as it is for me they’re lucky.
Inside me I’ve gone through a change also it’s like all the lessons are coming to the front. I understand things that I should have understood before, I hope I get a chance to live them and help all those I love. I liked being lazy and not doing anything, just staying with you, I always enjoyed watching you go around doing all you did, I liked being on call for the 3 at school etc. but I also loved getting up and going to work with my trade. Honest money coming home to a wonderful life and family, I made good money and wasted much of it on dope. I hate how I fell into that groove and somehow got further from what I really wanted for you and the 3 daughters.
I always wanted to be right, but never did right so I got what I deserved. I never really hated people, but never really liked them all that much either. It seems some how they get to you. I hated being vengeful and I was even that way with you, I thought you were against me that you lied to me and that I didn’t matter, it drove me crazy but I’m over that, I see just who and what I can be.
I am still that happy little farm boy with that big smile on his face. You are right I have truly lived and went all ways some good, some bad. I wasted a lot of time. I intend to make all I’ve learned do well some how in some way.
Sometimes I feel the presence of my guardian angel, I truly hope it returns to me, I need it not as much as I once did, but I do need it.
I know a lot of wrong turns I took were out of vengeance toward my mother and the way she lied and how I learned to lie from her, I hated doing it but on one hand I did not want to hurt her or make her ashamed of me and on the other hand I feared her vengeance if she knew the truth cause she always exploited it. I have gotten over that, I write to her and talk right to her, I tell her just what I think of what she’s done. It feels good to do so.
It’s great for me to see that all the kids are working, living life in a good way and just being. It does me so much good! My grandfather Fluharty told me, to never take the credit for something you did deserve, to not take the blame, if you didn’t deserve it, because deserving has everything to do with everything. So true.
Jay can remember him from being a boy, I had forgot that Jay was 6 yrs old when he was 100.That kinda blew me away that he remembered him. Funny thing of all he remembers how coarse pops whiskers were, that’s one of the things I remembered.
That’s a little far off from what I’m trying to say here, anyway I have been blessed in so many ways and now I see how important my blessings were I should have never thought you could live like me kerosene lamps, wood stoves. You really needed much more than that, I do now truly thank you for delivery of 3 wonderful children. Your care for all of us, and all you sacrificed. Thank you!
I think if I wasn’t stopped when I was. I believe I did it unconscionably that I could have caused great damage. It has gave me what I needed, time to see just who I am, and how I almost slipped away, but not so far that I couldn't catch myself.
I have my son back, somehow, it had all to do with him, and he came to me. I have all my daughters and grand kids. I expect there will be more. I hope I’ll live long enough to meet my great grand kids. I hope in the future I may have my own small spot that you can go to when ever you want, and your time drawing pictures and being there. Maybe I’ll call you up and come over for breakfast.
It was the cocaine that took me down. I couldn't believe how easy it was to be without it. That proved to me right away upon going to jail, just how much I was not really into the thing. Down here you see so many people getting into trouble money owed cops busting you etc. all the fellows come to me with their business its funny they think I’m the most trust worthy through out the prison system, I'm what they calla solid dude they all know I don’t do no dope yet they tell me all about what’s going on, ask advice etc. I try to direct some of them in some other direction the ones who I see potential in. but I never try to act like dad or a mentor I just try to give them a view of other things.
I really kick myself when I think of all the opportunities that I blew off, I’ve learned a little and have no one to share it with that’s the worst thing that could happen to a man. Another hard lesson. I want you to remain calm, be right with a good spirit. You always have been a very good person. Please be careful!
The worst of all for me is the non – nutritional food I’m fed, and my age slowing the natural healing my body has always taken care of. And of course the knowledge of knowing I brought it on myself. I don’t know when I’ll see you or write again or call, I just can’t say. Do the best you can to be right, we’ll never talk about this again. I promise. Thanks baby. Love Dale
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