"Were you expecting my call?" he said. I said yes. His voice didn't sound familiar; as we talked about the past, I could tell he was searching for answers. Like all of us do, we want to know about our family sooner or later someone wants to know something. In the end we decided life was too short and nothing really matters. There will always be that doubt or wonder if we didn't lose touch all the years over and over. It's almost been 10 years ago one hateful letter of the lie, kept an already dysfunctional family apart. His peace of mind was to forgive, my brother.
Our past still whispers to us in our childhood memories. We're strangers but share the same blood of reality. Things we don't want to say anything about, hand to mouth. I have a feeling my brother was very alone, like I feel now without a father, and the legend that still lives on followed him and he grew up without a father anyway, just the haunting notion of an outlaw, must've had a tough time. I said, "You turn out to be the most successful out of us all though." It's sad to have to question yourself because of someone you use to look up to as a role model or automatically assume you are going to turn out to be like the person that raised you. To feel so much pain just because you have unconditional love and never can find any in return.
Today is a good day to die I thought to myself like I do often. I can't even find anyone to help me and then he called. I just thought it would be the best way to go, on the blue moon, on someone's birthday. There just seems to be no end to this pain I feel and yet so empty in arms and inside. I just want to say good-bye to the world fuck you for nothing. But I really do love life's mysteries.
DaisyLions Inc. Kisses Etc. ©2004
7 comments:
No.
Whether or not you feel it, we need you here.
We want you here. Truly.
I'm sorry, that likely means nothing whatsoever to you. You don't know me, and you likely feel you hold no significant value for me.
You couldn't be more wrong.
What you've been through, what you've learned from your experiences, these are such valuable things!!
I know you paid a heavy, heavy price for it, though. And I understand wanting to stamp "paid in full" and wave goodbye.
I will never know the true depth of sorrow you feel, the pain or anguish. But I know there are others who will go through similar; and I know they would benefit from your experience, from the lessons you've learned. And I know there are people around them, as well, who sincerely need that knowledge so they can help diffuse pain.
Please stay. Please continue being open and honest here. You have no idea who you are touching.
WE need you.
*echoing all of wood songs beauty*
You are loved.
You both are so sweet thanks for caring and being here for me.In away I felt like I was in prison too. When my dad died it was almost a relief in away, just because I didn't have to worry anymore,but when he really did finally die apart of me did too. I never went home again and broke off my 17 yr. old relationship and lost all that I had. except my art and writings which is all I really cared about and my dog.
It's sad how people get lost in the system whether you are a runaway or hiding like an outlaw etc.I have all my moms love letters because my mom never read her letters she said it was too painful to read letters from a dead man because it was like he was almost dead in prison for 10 years.
He is still alive... in a bloom that is daily blossoming.
To tear the band-aid off quickly or to let it work itself away? Either way, the wound remains... and then the scar... and some scars are beautiful. It is what lays beneath the bandage that matters... not how quickly the bandage is removed.
Know that you are embraced by two who understand (and I think Wood Song would be okay with my saying so).
Love.
To you.
To your Harper.
To your mama.
Not at all. You speak my mind. Warmly and firmly embraced. Truly.
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