haunting notion of an outlaw...

"Were you expecting my call?" he said. I said yes. His voice didn't sound familiar; as we talked about the past, I could tell he was searching for answers. Like all of us do, we want to know about our family sooner or later someone wants to know something. In the end we decided life was too short and nothing really matters. There will always be that doubt or wonder if we didn't lose touch all the years over and over. It's almost been 10 years ago one hateful letter of the lie, kept an already dysfunctional family apart. His peace of mind was to forgive, my brother.

Our past still whispers to us in our childhood memories. We're strangers but share the same blood of reality. Things we don't want to say anything about, hand to mouth. I have a feeling my brother was very alone, like I feel now without a father, and the legend that still lives on followed him and he grew up without a father anyway, just the haunting notion of an outlaw, must've had a tough time. I said, "You turn out to be the most successful out of us all though." It's sad to have to question yourself because of someone you use to look up to as a role model or automatically assume you are going to turn out to be like the person that raised you. To feel so much pain just because you have unconditional love and never can find any in return.

Today is a good day to die I thought to myself like I do often. I can't even find anyone to help me and then he called. I just thought it would be the best way to go, on the blue moon, on someone's birthday. There just seems to be no end to this pain I feel and yet so empty in arms and inside. I just want to say good-bye to the world fuck you for nothing. But I really do love life's mysteries.

DaisyLions Inc. Kisses Etc. ©2004

panda collage

writings...

Inspired by Razee

good old poetry...

sad note

To My Dearest Daisy:

Well here I am again, I’m writing this at the last minute. I think they may take me downtown to the hospital tonight, I got something wrong with me and it has spread rapidly and all my glands on the right side are swollen awful. They put me on antibiotics and they haven’t done any good at all! I haven’t even seen a doctor. I’m not being treated in a humane manner, remember this. I don’t know what going to happen but I don’t like it. Tell the girls I’m not at the best of health at the moment. I love you and I miss you very much.
Love Always Your Dad, Dale

much too soon, it's gone

I would like to blame someone
but I know I can't
I wish I could
but I shant
leap from the lions
to this place called earth
not being the first
but for you it is a first
no matter what anyone says
so you proceed as if it were
until the time arrives
that shows you
that it is not true
some accept this truth
others never will
which will you be
a simple lion leaper
or a believer
or do you have the time any longer
to contemplate such things
is the wolf at the door
the impending war
the final score
close but no cigar
I would blame myself
if I didn’t think it was so selfish
I would blame you
if I wanted you to have the credit
some people go their whole life
trying to blame someone
looking for the guilty party
look into your own heart
and see it's not a matter
of blame or guilt
it is a simple matter of understanding
take time to think
take precious time
you’ve been allotted
from the leap
it is a matter of acceptance
a matter of happiness, alone
much too soon, it's gone

All Rights Protected 2008 Harper

letter

Hey***censored***
Gosh I got your third letter it was sad and I was so haunted by the feeling again of going to the prison in Wyoming and how deep the sorrow lies within the walls of jail cells. it was the worse feeling I've ever had picking up my father's last journals of writing took us to a place where the government sells off prisons to get more money and lose them in the system and the ones that stay in the state have to live in a place worse than a jail in Mexico...

no matter how bad it was though my dad kept doing so much cool stuff and writing the most beautiful writing out of the pit of hell and the whole time in there he had all these awards for like basketball coach etc. I ever knew he was doing so much stuff and he made the place better and tried helping everyone in jail he was like the Mary Poppins of prison.

***censored***

Dear William ~
I was very happy to receive your letter it found me very well indeed...everything is connected some how, the spirals of life cycles circle in never ending swirls of souls that meet again in another time or place.

I enjoyed reading all the things you wrote about our father he was very special to me I was his little best friend he is very badly missed by his friends and family.that is how life is though everything comes to an end physical and mentally it is hard to figure everything out in reality when you know all along we all must go on to another place.

I won't lie to you, it didn't seem like dad was going to really rest in so called peace before is death he was begging me for something I don't know what it was either to live or to tell me something. all I could do is shake my head and say I know over and over.

it is very hard for me to talk about I have not told anyone besides family and my lawyer.Dad never use to get sick and than he died so young I guess that is what happens though when you are living like a nomad and get caged like a bird who just wants to fly free.

I'm glad you wrote me it helps to know these special things that I couldn't be apart of anymore because my dad decided he loved drugs more than me I wasn't around anymore I don't really blame him he said sorry a million times but when I was born he promised to never DO anything to break my heart,
only a dad makes promises like that. But plans and promises never are kept. people rarely stick around long.

the chapters of the book still go on even though I wish the end was different I guess he doesn't some how he knew it was his time to give himself up. I wish he just ran to Mexico. PS about the press, fuck them. I read all kinds of horrible stuff that I was not aware of that goes on in the prisons in ameriKKKa it is very scary that this goes on and nobody cares.

the reason my dad is haunting you is because something awful happen to him and he was lost in the system. I think it is really cruel what they do to you guys in there and I won't stop fighting for prisons rights now until I die probably.they should have just gave my dad the death penalty it would've been better than suffer so much like an animal:::tears there is no reason you should be treated less than human just because you did something others don't agree on or approve of God is the only judge.They want to sell you guys off like slaves to other states its a real good thing they have going and than lose you in the system from state to state.

under world bridge

letter collage

self expresion

teddybears

serenity

Artist : John prine

All the snow has turned to water
Christmas days have come and gone
Broken toys and faded colors
Are all that’s left to linger on
I hate graveyards and old pawn shops
For they always bring me tears
I can’t forgive the way they rob me
Of my childhood souvenirs

Chorus:
Memories they can’t be boughten
They can’t be won at carnivals for free
Well it took me years
To get those souvenirs
And I don’t know how they slipped away from me

Broken hearts and dirty windows
Make life difficult to see
That’s why last night and this mornin’
Always look the same to me

I hate reading old love letters
For they always bring me tears
I can’t forgive the way they rob me
Of my sweetheart’s souvenirs

last confession...2005

Dear Freya:

Well I don’t know how this is going to come out or sound to you, but it must be done, to start with you don’t need to be sorry for anything. I know that you tried and did your hardest to stand by me, and I don’t blame you for one thing.

It is a fact that I lied to you about things that never happen in my previous life. I did it mostly because I was afraid I’d loose you, not ever thinking that I’d drive you away. You would think I’d done better I know, as smart as I am.

It is a fact that in my closest heart and in this alone time I believe that all of my kids still love me, even Jay and Lisa. I didn’t do right by them, yet they have no problem forgiving me, I’m a very lucky man. I believe that the 3 love me very much and I know if its 1/10 as hard for them as it is for me they’re lucky.

Inside me I’ve gone through a change also it’s like all the lessons are coming to the front. I understand things that I should have understood before, I hope I get a chance to live them and help all those I love. I liked being lazy and not doing anything, just staying with you, I always enjoyed watching you go around doing all you did, I liked being on call for the 3 at school etc. but I also loved getting up and going to work with my trade. Honest money coming home to a wonderful life and family, I made good money and wasted much of it on dope. I hate how I fell into that groove and somehow got further from what I really wanted for you and the 3 daughters.

I always wanted to be right, but never did right so I got what I deserved. I never really hated people, but never really liked them all that much either. It seems some how they get to you. I hated being vengeful and I was even that way with you, I thought you were against me that you lied to me and that I didn’t matter, it drove me crazy but I’m over that, I see just who and what I can be.

I am still that happy little farm boy with that big smile on his face. You are right I have truly lived and went all ways some good, some bad. I wasted a lot of time. I intend to make all I’ve learned do well some how in some way.

Sometimes I feel the presence of my guardian angel, I truly hope it returns to me, I need it not as much as I once did, but I do need it.

I know a lot of wrong turns I took were out of vengeance toward my mother and the way she lied and how I learned to lie from her, I hated doing it but on one hand I did not want to hurt her or make her ashamed of me and on the other hand I feared her vengeance if she knew the truth cause she always exploited it. I have gotten over that, I write to her and talk right to her, I tell her just what I think of what she’s done. It feels good to do so.

It’s great for me to see that all the kids are working, living life in a good way and just being. It does me so much good! My grandfather Fluharty told me, to never take the credit for something you did deserve, to not take the blame, if you didn’t deserve it, because deserving has everything to do with everything. So true.

Jay can remember him from being a boy, I had forgot that Jay was 6 yrs old when he was 100.That kinda blew me away that he remembered him. Funny thing of all he remembers how coarse pops whiskers were, that’s one of the things I remembered.

That’s a little far off from what I’m trying to say here, anyway I have been blessed in so many ways and now I see how important my blessings were I should have never thought you could live like me kerosene lamps, wood stoves. You really needed much more than that, I do now truly thank you for delivery of 3 wonderful children. Your care for all of us, and all you sacrificed. Thank you!

I think if I wasn’t stopped when I was. I believe I did it unconscionably that I could have caused great damage. It has gave me what I needed, time to see just who I am, and how I almost slipped away, but not so far that I couldn't catch myself.

I have my son back, somehow, it had all to do with him, and he came to me. I have all my daughters and grand kids. I expect there will be more. I hope I’ll live long enough to meet my great grand kids. I hope in the future I may have my own small spot that you can go to when ever you want, and your time drawing pictures and being there. Maybe I’ll call you up and come over for breakfast.

It was the cocaine that took me down. I couldn't believe how easy it was to be without it. That proved to me right away upon going to jail, just how much I was not really into the thing. Down here you see so many people getting into trouble money owed cops busting you etc. all the fellows come to me with their business its funny they think I’m the most trust worthy through out the prison system, I'm what they calla solid dude they all know I don’t do no dope yet they tell me all about what’s going on, ask advice etc. I try to direct some of them in some other direction the ones who I see potential in. but I never try to act like dad or a mentor I just try to give them a view of other things.

I really kick myself when I think of all the opportunities that I blew off, I’ve learned a little and have no one to share it with that’s the worst thing that could happen to a man. Another hard lesson. I want you to remain calm, be right with a good spirit. You always have been a very good person. Please be careful!

The worst of all for me is the non – nutritional food I’m fed, and my age slowing the natural healing my body has always taken care of. And of course the knowledge of knowing I brought it on myself. I don’t know when I’ll see you or write again or call, I just can’t say. Do the best you can to be right, we’ll never talk about this again. I promise. Thanks baby. Love Dale

Sep. 2005

Dear Freya:

May this letter find you well, and happy. May I say it has worried me everyday that I've been imprisoned about you and the 3. May I also offer some good advice to try and make up for the evidently many things I've done that has made your life array.

Take your time and think about what is going on…

Do not worry about that, that you cannot change.

I say a prayer for all my children and you every day. I even ask for the good lord to forgive Jimmy and Eurith, do you think that’s funny?

John Prine has a new album it is really something. The other night I got to see a Ry Cooder special. The only one missing is Norman Blake.

You know if any of those people back there are afraid of me, it’s not because of anything I did, and I believe it’s what in their own hearts they’re most afraid of. And what ever you do please don’t use the word terrorize in any letters or over the phone, ok. You just can’t use that figure of speech in these days in times.

I did finally get a hold of Annie on the 4^th of July. I was real glad to talk to her. I tried to make it a compact conversation on account of the cost. It has been between 95-105 this week after the real hot dies down then it starts to thunder storm and tornadoes.

Later I will write to you exclusively about my attempt to shorten my sentence and eventually be released even if on parole or a farm. I still have a lot ahead of me.

So we have had some more people come down this week they sent Levi a guy that was in the fish tank with me, we remained good friends and Pat Dalbey the guy that knew John Wayne than Gasey,who is a real magician. They all say it’s going back and forth up in Rawlins something’s seem better some are worse, but you can’t expect much more: or less.

The personal here are a lot more content, then the ones in Rawlins the food is real bad compared to Rawlins both portion wise and nutrition wise. The medical is roughly the same, mostly because of the laws governing medical care. Here’s a good one for you, they gave me an answer on my eye glasses request, by not even seeing me or giving me an eye exam, I had to laugh at them right in their faces they were ashamed. I guess no one ever says anything to them, who knows.

There is just one more thing, all the time that has passed since 1996 isn’t really much time at all. I hope you can be happy as you can be and that all the sacrifice you’ve made pays off in the long run.

You know that the times of our lives were as good as anyone’s and all the love we shared.

Love Dale

abstract

love letter...

To My Dearest Freya: March 23, 2005

Well it was never the ingrediance, it was always the ingredient. I’d give anything to walk through that back door and have some bacon and eggs with toast. A big cup of coffee with sugar and real cream. For dessert a big old slice of lemon pie.

I was a man from the eastern shore of marys land.

I fathered five children by two women.

This was the greatest thing I ever did.

The town that I came from,

as far as America goes,

Was so old, there was a sign that read dirt made here.

I was raised on a farm, and I took care of the animals,

they liked me, I think I was young and innocent,

and they knew I wouldn’t hurt them.

I have done many things,

and have been responsible for many deeds,

Not all good,

but in my heart I wanted it to be right.

I learned to live the old way,

and I learned how to be quiet and be happy with whom I was.

What I had and needed, no more.

People do not understand me,

and they never have.

I just smile when I hear people talk.

“he who saves one life, saves the whole world”

pencil drawing

2003

To my dearest Daisy:

Well hello my dear, I’m so glad to receive your mail, I know things be odd for those of our caliber. I also know Richard and Lil will always be the enemy, so it goes, when I was there I truly did push the buttons. They will always make mistakes because they are afraid. Afraid of you, your beauty, your talent, your brains and what you know about them. They are also afraid of me even though I’m locked up here in Nevada. They know they never fooled me. You just keep your business and your personal knowledge to yourself. Be careful of Cory’s feeling cause all that matters is that really, that is the thing that takes most people down, is their feelings.

You hold on to what you got. Always try to work all angles, and don’t miss a chance. But be prepared to expect what comes, because you never see the fucker that takes you down. And it’s never who you think it’ll be. Be careful and destroy this letter. Anyway I got a letter from jay he is on vacation at the beach, its 20 mins. From his house.

You are right about Cory being a good boyfriend and you’re probably right about his example in life it is difficult when you have doubts about someone you love. Don’t worry about pleasing the grand parents. Just smile and say nothing and try not to talk to them unless you have to. Don’t worry about the rest of the world either. You are not wrong Daisy don’t let anyone tell you any different. You can care and not let it affect you in a bad way. I’ve always found it so ironic that even someone as plain as me , can see what’s up so easily and that all these so called smart people never even get a view and its because I am really a poet, writer and artist and I wear it proudly. You’ll be the one whose there for you and even though I’m locked away, I’m there too.

Well we are all locked down here, they killed a Mexican out on the yard, it’s been two weeks, and maybe 2 more before we get out, it’s also been 105 – 110 degrees everyday.

You remember sometimes it's best to let things run their own course; you can’t always do a lot to make things better. But you can always do things to make yourself happy in your own heart. Destroy this letter I mean destroy it now.

Love always, Dale your dad

short poem

letter*08/27/07*

Dear Daisy, *08/27/07* 8:15 PM*

Hi there. How are you? It is great to hear from you. Are you doing ok?

The ghost children essay is interesting. Is this how you feel daisy?

Are you alone? Walking the shores barefoot with no-none to hold your hand?

I’m sorry that you feel like an outsider but are you really and where ever you are is your universe. So who’s the outsider now?

Here I am in my forth state. Oklahoma, what the hell am I doing here? At least I’m not in Wyoming. I really distain those people and that place. I would rather be home but it’s not time yet according to some people. I go up to a quorum board in October. In July the board made a recommendation for a 5 year time cut of my bottom number that will make me eligible for parole in 2011 and will be able to go to the farm or forest camp.

Minimum security right now I'm minimum restricted because I still have too many years to my minimum sentence, whatever!!! My sister wants me to go to Alaska and be with her and her family. Cold cold cold … I keep telling her that I want to go back home. To be with my mother. I strongly feel that she needs my help and it’s my duty to take care of her.ya know?

I’ve been in this confined environment going on 17 years rotten bastards. I don’t know what it will be like another 10.

Anyway I’m doing fine. Not much is going on here. Really no jobs not much to do other than workout in the gym and go outside. It’s hot and sunny here. I’ve gotten a pretty good tan going. Most of the time I sit in a cell with another guy which sucks big time. No peace of mind ever.

Well daisy I'm going to go for now. Thanks for sending that stuff. I found it interesting in some aspects to rehabilitation. The impatient letter from god is interesting too yeah it’s pretty much all the beliefs just called by a different name. I use to be pretty religious but over the years I’m more in the spiritual aspect of life. How many years are left? I figure I got 60 or 70 good years left. Then I’ll think about slowing down. I’m into activity basketball softball hard ball I need to be active It makes me feel alive still.

*12:12 AM*

I haven’t sent the letter out yet. I have a picture I’m sending along with letter. I hope you like it. I had it taken 3 weeks ago. I let my hair grow out to show the parole board how gray im getting. I’m sitting here watching the new superman movie its cool.

Ok the prison ashram project humankindness.org is interesting too. Years ago I was a facilitator alternative to violence project and in 2000 too. I gradually got out of it because well I'm not sure maybe, I was tired but I think it was because of the administration all “they” have done over years is take from me and use me and then shit all over me. The administrations have burnt all their bridges with me and now I find it very hard to find compassion, trust or give a shit what they do. Everywhere I go something is being stolen from me and I’m extremely tired of it. I’ll stop whining I’ll get this mailed now. Love, C

Letter 17th 2000

Back Then

I remember the day, my grandpa went away.

And my grandma kissed him

I heard her say –

Oh Jim I love you

With all my heart

You know we’ll never part.

Now strangers walk the ground,

Where church was held.

They’ll never know,

Just how that boy felt.

If anyone heard me say

If I had the chance

I’d kneel down and pray.

And I’d kiss the ground you walk today.

And lord I’d call out your name.

Now you know I’m just a hillbilly

In my blood.

And I wouldn’t change a thing if I could.

Sometimes I recall that day back then.

And I never expected to see it again.

Long Dale Harper 08/13/1996

Dear Annie,

I sat up after midnight,

So I would know it was your birthday.

This is all I have, baby.

My pen and my memory.

fathers day 1997

Well how is everyone doing? I’m doing okay, in spite of the fact that we are on lock down 24/7, it is anyone’s guess as to when all this will blow over and things will get back to normal.

It does kinda suck that its summer time and the outside is real nice.

How is summer going? Fine I hope. .no one as told me if your mom is staying in Maine or not, I would like to hear about it .so if you have the time perhaps you could write me a letter to me.

There is a little drawing I did in the “fish tank” I call it 14, because there are 14 circles. So it’s for you guys to hold on to it’s not much just something from me to you. I just wanted to drop you this note to say hello, and find out how you are.

You didn’t send me a father’s day card Daisy, you broke my heart.

Love Always Dale H, your dad 07/04/1997

newspaper clipping....

Birthday Letter...

To My Dearest Daisy,

Well I received your x-mas card last night, it was real nice, and I truly loved it, I’m glad you liked the art I sent “poor art”

So I’m sending your birthday gifts early. Due to the fact that we are going to be moved to another prison, we have been told that between the 15^th of Jan. to the 15^th of Feb. well be transferred to a private prison in Texas or to the prison in Rawlins Wyo. Which one will be okay with me. The one in Texas we are told is a 96 bed prison, real small, and only Wyoming convicts will be there. They say it is all single cell, which would be nice for a change, even though I’ve always had good cellys, privacy is a great commodity.

The prison back in Rawlins has much better health, dental and food then this place in Nevada. So anyway if you sent me anything already, ill get it soon enough, but figure on not sending anything after the 10^th of Jan. its not that I wont get it eventually, its just that all prisons have different regulations as to what can be received by a prisoner and so after the 10^th just don’t send anything! I’ll keep in touch with you after that and let you all know the particulars of the where abouts of me etc.

Just in case that something should befall me in some manner, in case I die or they lose me etc. Jay is the person that they will contact, He’ll let you know if anything is array. Okay.

So enjoy the art I’m sending, and above all have wonderful birthdays.you know I think yours and Ashley’s are the same.Happy,Happy Birthday baby. All my respect and love my dear. Dale Harper, your father.

Love Always,

Harpo ‘04

Captivity of Mr. Harper

short story...

Winters Walk

It was a cold winter day, one of the coldest. Freya and Kathy were dropped of at the end of the lane, to a friends house, where they were suppose to spend the night. Freya was 10 and Kathy was a little younger. They walked up the lane, smiling, knowing they were going to be warm in a minute, and have a good visit.

Outside of the door, they were about to knock, when Freya over heard their friends mom talking, they were talking about them. About how they felt so sorry for them, because their father had left and all their mom did was drink.

Freya took her little sister by the hand and they ran for home. Which was miles away. The wind whipped at their hair and faces, and chilled them to the bone, they were not dressed for such a trip. But Freya pressed on. Holding her sisters hand tears streaming down their faces, looking for the lights of their Loves Folly home. No-one was there to greet them, but they were home. They had each other. Her whole life has been a continuation of that winters walk.

This why I love her so very much. That is why I always will. I’ll never let her down, if with only support of love. I’ll take that walk myself one day; and hopefully I’ll be there long before Freya takes her final winters walk.

I’ll be there this time, and she’ll never be alone again.

True Story Written By: Harper 2004

Rawlins, Wyoming

mulberry tree...

I recall the mulberry tree that was at the barn that grew up with me I remember its buds in the spring and all the feeding birds, and how they would sing. The berries held their green until just the right time, and then their brightness would shine.

In this tree I held my dreams, on a small platform, in my shirt and jeans. I would create with my mind all that ever was, and would be until the end of time: and return to all that was living. The birds would on eating, I would go on dreaming and the tree would go on giving.

Of us now, what remains, a memory of empty branches, and berries fallen.

Of buds grown full and distant dead birds calling. I hold still and look out alone, onto the next life and brighter days. I look back and see, the mulberry tree, foretelling.

I will touch the very last flower; I will touch the very last grain. I will touch the very first of the very last. Only the mulberry tree shall remain.

All Rights Protected Harper 2003

written for my mother...

Sorrow More

I dreamt I saw you on Islands Shore.

Sitting there in sorrow more.

In seeming great agony sure,

I beg you, I deplore, smile just for,

All those sailed beyond

My love of dreams shall not be gone.

Your eyes as dark as midnight hour.

Your skin as white as bone.

Your lips and cheeks rosy red.

You change with every word said.

I watch you tip your pretty head.

Which is the scene, I truly feel

Those tears of joy you shed and deal.

Beloved is my life to you, may the cape

Not take me, as I sail through.

I dreamt I charmed you, with each word said.

I watched you tip your pretty head.

I close my eyes, I am dead.

I dreamt I saw you on Islands Shore.

Sitting there in “Sorrow More.”

All Rights Protected Harper 08/15/96

Only One

All it takes is

One leap of faith

One act of kindness

One human spirit

To make the world of difference in life

It is true that when you have a low moment just at that time when you needed someone the most, even if they are not in your life you know they truly cared by their actions when you were at your worse. They pick you up when you fall and hold your hand metaphorically speaking.

Even though my parents were not the most perfect. I will always remember how they acted as if everyday was the first time they met. Happily in love and always there for each other like everyday might be the last. Thoughts will cross my mind of my parents and I can picture my mom how she would play her guitar, in the sunlight for hours with her long hair. She was so beautiful with the shyness of her voice and the sweet melody of the songs from her heart strings on her guitar.

My dad was always humble. Playing every note and remembering all the right lines.
I wonder if he can still write poems and songs from the other side through someone else. Still play his guitar through a rock star. It seems nobody has the time until it’s too late. Some people have an old soul like my father though and go around singing a tune that anyone can relate to. He was always trying to teach you how to still have a good time in every walk of life.

This blog is in memory of my parents, who loved each other in an old fashion way, timelessly.

Inspired by: Jon's Jail Journal.